Come one, come all to one of the most important new recaps of the new year: ABC’s Galavant!
I do not know how ABC got the permission to do this, but thank the TV gods they did, because Galavant is golden! This satirical medieval work of art is the perfect Sunday night filler for ABC’s hit Once Upon A Time; too bad it is only 4-weeks long!
Once Upon a Time…Our story begins in song, like every good story should. The “evil” King Richard steals our hero Galavant’s one true love Madelena. Flash forward to the wedding day and Galavant gives Madelena the choice between fame and fortune or true love, she practically chooses fame and fortune. This breaks poor old Gal’s heart, and it does not help that he gets his ass kicked by the King’s henchman Gareth.
Present Day…Enter Sid, Galavant’s reluctant squire who introduces Princess Isabella to a very hungover Galavant. She begs him to save her people and he kicks her out in song. I think this is a great start to any adventure, don’t you?
Two Months Earlier… King Richard is holding Princess Isabella’s parents hostage after laying waste her kingdom in order to find the Jewel of Valencia (which Princess Isabella is hiding). Princess Isabella emerges from the floreboards when the King threatens to kill her parents if he does not receive the jewel. However, not before Madelena flirts with the court jester throughout the entire scene. King Richard then sings a song about killing Galavant, and then comes up with a plan involving Princess Isabella to betray Galavant and eventually kill him.
Back to Present Day…Princess Isabella finds Galavant in the tavern completely wasted, which seems to be his norm at this point in the story. She has a heart to heart with him about her situation and King Richard. Galavant explains how he is now a useless fat alcoholic, but he now has purpose (aka. killing the King). And now the real story begins!
While You Were Sleeping…Galavant has a nightmare that Madelena and King Richard are getting it on and that he cannot be a hero without pants. Luckily, he wakes up still wearing pants and his hero’s journey continues in song. The song ends with Galavant trekking up a hill and saying my favorite line of this episode: “Holy s*** I am out of shape,” a man after my own heart.
Back At the Castle…Gareth decides that in order for King Richard to win Madelena he needs to man up. However, this task proves more difficult than I think either of them imagined, because King Richard really is an embarrassment to the kingdom.
Jousting Time…The trio quickly realizes that they have no funds to complete their journey and therefore must enter the joust. Sid puts up the priceless Jewel of Valencia for collateral, which equates to the worth of a chicken apparently. We are then introduced to Jean Hamm (John Stamos) who is obsessed with your momma jokes. Galavant quickly points out that “it’s 1256 your mom jokes are getting really old.”
Pep Talk…Galavant has proven to have lost the majority of his confidence and his ability to fight much to Princess Isabella’s dismay. She decides to train him for the joust, and uses her charm to excel Galavant to the final based on his merit. Isabella may have taken on more than she can chew when she states “Your armor is on backwards, dumbass”. This is just sass gold.
The Joust…After the training montage with Isabella, who continuously kicks Galavant’s ass, it is time for the joust. But not before Isaebella gives Jean an obscene amount of absyth to rig the match. Jean Hamm comes out of his tent for the joust vomitting, which is great news for team Galavant. However, due to Isabella’s training all of Gal’s muscles are sore and he can’t lift his arms. Both heroes are so messed up that they fall off their horses in a slow mow joust. The winner is determined by who stands first. The winner is Galavant.
The episode ends with the best song ever! “Maybe you’re not the worst thing ever,” if I ever get married I think this is the song I’m going to have for my first dance.
ANYWAY, what did you guys think? Everything you dreamed of and more? Happy that ABC took the risk, cause I sure as hell am! Until next week Galavanters!
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