“The Untitled Rachel Berry Project” Has Everyone Going Their Separate Ways In The ‘Glee’ Season Finale

Photo courtesy of FOX
Photo courtesy of FOX

Welcome Gleeks to the season five finale recap.

It’s going to be a long hiatus from now until Glee’s final season premieres in 2015. Although, I do promise that me, and my snark, will return by then because I’ll need a reprieve from grad school at that point in time. I am sure.

Let’s just talk, before we begin with the recap, about season five as a whole. This was a year of rebuilding in many ways. After the death of Cory Monteith, the first half of the season could be called disjointed at best. It had one or two episodes that could be called “good” and the rest were charitably described as “meh”. (Honestly this was probably this season that could have done with a winter premiere over the next.)

We all pretty much promised to never, ever bring up “The End Of Twerk” ever again. So I won’t bring it up.

For all my bitching and moaning, remember I do these recaps with a humorous slant, I legitimately liked the second half of season five a lot better then the first half. For all the plots of Rachel’s complete stardom and having television deals handed to her, there were good stories of the characters: Santana struggling to find her post high school identity, Kurt’s inner strength and desire to have his own talents noticed, Sam and Mercedes’ struggles as a couple, Blaine and Kurt trying to define their relationship and the translation of it as an engagement to marriage, and Artie…well Artie learned to wear condoms.

It felt like more of a complete story then we have gotten from Glee in recent years. I’m not saying it was perfect in any way but it was solid.

So I’ll describe Glee’s fifth season as I describe the show in general: an hour of sheer chaos, insanity, and surprising emotion that left you thinking about it for hours afterwards. It elicited emotions from the audience whether they were rage or joy. It still had us talking.

Without further aideu, let’s talk about the season five finish before we wait eight months for season six. (Good thing I’m a Sherlockian too. Eight months is a cakewalk compared to years between seasons.)

Plots

Throw The Script In The Air: So Rachel is still going on about her new dream of television. The famous screenwriter the network promised is coming over to work on her pilot script. The screenwriter, who I am naming Glee Writers Room, is to put it nicely: insane. She has a thousand eccentricities, sleeping on a Garfield sleeping bag, coming up with things that don’t make sense, and making the future Screenwriting grad school student in me cry. I’m not sure who she is supposed to parody but honestly this is how I imagine how the Glee Writer’s Room acting. So anyway Rachel tries to have Glee Writers Room (or GWR) get a sense of who she is as a person. Yet she does not want to know Rachel as a person. She already has an idea because TV is a cynical place full of anti-heroes and serial killers. Who would want an uplifting story about a girl from Ohio? Kurt, remaining forever the Only Sane Man on this show, points out to Rachel that GWR is nuts and she’s not going to give Rachel anything good in a script. He thinks that Rachel shouldn’t be risking her profitable Broadway career and burn all her bridges in the Broadway community. Because Sidney was really super serious about making her name synonymous with mud. Rachel says that he needs to chill out because if this works out then in ten years she can get any part she wants on Broadway for way more money. Then they see the script. The script kind of reminds of that Tim and Eric show on Adult Swim? It makes zero sense and has random birthday raves. Everyone, except Brittany, is kind of horrified and confused. Kurt tells her that she cannot front this to the network. Rachel is going to be the star of this show and not GWR, so Rachel needs to have her voice there. She agrees and has a chat with GWR about this. When it’s clear that Rachel is not getting through to her, she sings a P!nk song for GWR who decides to give her way a shot since hearing Rachel sing made her feel strange feelings. So GWR rewrites the script and makes the New York gang cry when they read through it. Toward the end of the episode, with all of the gang splitting up, Rachel makes them all promise to meet up in six months.  Then Rachel gets the news: the network loved it and wants to option it for a pilot. So she’s going to LA.

American Boy (Give Me All Of You): Blaine is caught between a rock and a hard place. See, unlike Ricky Ricardo, he promised Kurt a place in the show. Except June doesn’t want Kurt in the show because of her own Old Lady Third Eye power. So Kurt isn’t going to be in the show. Now Blaine has to figure out a way to tell Kurt that. When he kind of blurts it out awkwardly after singing John Legend, Kurt is pissed. He hates being lied too, especially by Blaine. He storms out because he feels like he cannot trust Blaine anymore. Blaine is distraught and has no clue how to fix it with Kurt. After a couple days (or at least I’m assuming so time in Glee is weird), Kurt goes to Blaine on the steps outside of Mercedes brownstone. He tells Blaine that birds need to trust that when they jump out of the nest then they need to fly. A relationship, Kurt believes, is like that too. He needs to trust Blaine and Kurt has a feeling that he pressured him into making that lie happen. So he wants Blaine to do his showcase and succeed because he loves and trusts him wholeheartedly. Blaine and June have the showcase and after their number, the audience demands an encore. Blaine sees an opportunity to keep his promise. He tells the audience that June taught him that talent needs to be backed up by passion. One of his greatest passions in his life is his fiancé Kurt. So Blaine and Kurt get a chance to duet together and totally nail it. June admits that she was wrong about Kurt. At the end of the episode, Blaine moves back in with Kurt and Rachel. Kurt has made a little work area for Blaine in the apartment.

Why Do You Need To Hurt Me Like This?: Sam and Mercedes are at a crossroads in their life. Mercedes is about to embark on her cross country mall tour with duet partner Santana (who is filming a Yeast-It-Stat commercial in Iowa) and lead female dancer Brittany (who lost her passport and has been living in a Lesbos airport). Sam is on the shortlist for the Treasure Trailz modeling gig, which would have him living his life long dream of being on a bus ad. Sam is also feeling the pressure of making sure not to pressure his girlfriend into breaking her vow of abstinence. He’s been feeling kind of horny lately and is snapping a rubber band against his wrist to make sure he doesn’t randomly pop a boner in public. Following the audition Rachel, Brittany, and Kurt hold an intervention for Mercedes telling her to break-up with Sam. They’re afraid he’s going to cheat on her while she’s on tour. Blaine and Artie are playing video games and having a similar talk with Sam. Mercedes and Sam both reaffirm their love for each other. After a very intense modeling audition, Sam is chosen by the Creepy Photographer Lady (CPL) as the new Treasure Trailz model. At the shoot, Sam is having a hard time giving CPL what she wants for the photos. The CPL sends everyone away and starts taking pictures with a Polaroid camera and asks Sam questions. Eventually she kisses Sam and we cut to black. Sam goes home utterly despondent to Mercedes. He tells her that she cheated. She asks to define it. Apparently, the CPL kissed Sam who started crying and she took pictures of him crying and he’s left utterly humiliated. Mercedes assures Sam that he wasn’t cheating, at least in her book, the woman came on to him and he left as soon as he could. She tells him that she loves but…Mercedes thinks they should break up. She knows how hard that her decision of waiting until marriage is for Sam and she doesn’t think it’s fair to ask him to wait until she is thirty. Because the way Mercedes’s life is going she probably isn’t going to marry until she’s thirty. Sam begs her to reconsider and says he can wait. He loves her so much and she is the best thing in his life. Mercedes tells him they can still love each other but the distance will only make them stronger or show they weren’t meant to be. It’s a break-up and a pause button all in one. They want to see where they end up. Mercedes and Brittany go to tour and meet up with Santana in Reno. While Sam, having achieved his dream and hating living in New York, decides to move back to Lima to figure out his next step.

Bec’s Finale Feels Corner

The television show pilot is still totally stupid.

Hi Brittany.

So amazing that you want to go to television instead of stay on Broadway?

You know this is kind of how I imagine the Glee writer’s room goes. I know this is probably parody but…yeah. No. This is what I imagine goes on in that room.

Troubletones reunion would be awesome.

Do people go this crazy at mall concerts for virtual unknowns?

Oh hello June. You’re still a horrible bitch. Also all this money and you host the event at NYADA?

Sorry that you got caught in a lie.

Isn’t that an anger management technique? Well this got decidedly 80’s all of the sudden.

Stop trying to create drama guys!

OHMYGOD THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I IMAGINE THE GLEE WRITERS ROOM! Kurt in these scenes is hilarious. Dear God this makes so much sense.

Is Bumblefoot a thing? And now it’s time for wild make-up sex.

How did you green light this? HOW?!

So you want your show to be about P!nk? Well that was the fastest turn around for a character ever.

DO NOT KISS HER EVANS! OH GOD FUCKING DAMMIT! She took pictures of you crying in your underwear?

Wow Mercedes and Sam have the most adult relationship in the whole entire show. I hate you writers.

Oh God. This is…Oh wow. This is a special new kind of hell.

I love your stealth bitchiness, Kurt.

OHMYGOD! Blaine good on you for getting Kurt into the show.

Wow Sam. You achieved your dream and you need a new one.

Ha! That sounds like a proposed time jump is shorter than the actual hiatus.

Kurt are you magic? You say it’s a good time for a song and music happens.

Now they really are scattering. And Blaine moved back in. Awww he got his own creative space.

Why is Sam at the choir room? Aww seeing it as a computer lab is depressing.

And now I barf. Was she on set? Ugh. I don’t care anymore. Go to black before I scream.

Songs

“Shakin’ My Head” sung by Mercedes Jones: This song is a special kind of weird. Is this the sequel to “Hell to the No” from season two? The beat is good. The lyrics though are kind of…stupid. I mean some of the questions are valid but it just seems weird to mention Jesus and Diet Coke in the same song. I liked “Colour Blind” a lot better. But the dancing was fun, the beat was good…it’s going on the guilty pleasure playlist. B-

“All of Me” sung by Blaine Anderson: It’s good. I just heard a better cover last night on The Voice. Josh Kaufman was amazing on it. So I had that in my head while listening to Darren’s version. Which is fine. He sounds lovely and everything. I just heard better. Plus I’m not that big of a fan of the song choice. Still it was a good cover. B

“Girls On Film” sung by Sam Evans and Creepy Photographer Lady: Chord Overstreet sounds really good here. His voice does have a good vibe in it for this kind of 80’s tunes. CPL also sounds pretty good here but is kind of drowned out a bit by the synthesizer. Still all those 80’s throwbacks were fun. Chord had his abs out in full force. It was a good number. B

“Glitter In The Air” sung by Rachel Berry: This is a good cover. I’m sorry this is one of those songs where I feel that it’s sacrilegious for anyone but the original artist to sing. P!nk was just flawless singing it. While Lea Michele has a beautiful voice, one of the most beautiful voices in the business, here she just sounds too trained? Yes. She sounds too Broadway and trained here. Still it was good. B+ 

“No Time At All” sung by Blaine Anderson and June Dolloway: Tell me after tonight I never, ever have to hear Darren Criss and Shirley MacLaine duet again? I hate, hate, hate how they sound together. D

“American Boy” sung by Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson: Oh THANK GOD! Finally a really stunning song!  Chris Colfer and Darren Criss both shine here. I love how their voices contrast. I love how everyone got up to dance. I just love how they both sound and move together. It was brilliant. I loved it. It was the best Kurt and Blaine duet of the season.

“Pompeii” sung by Rachel Berry, Kurt Hummel, Artie Abrams, Blaine Anderson, Sam Evans, Mercedes Jones, Brittany Pierce: This was a random song number. But it was fun. It just kind of celebrated everything going on. Everyone was shown scattering about to the new chapters of their lives. It’s a song about the end of the world and it’s a new end of an era on the show. So it makes sense. Everyone sounded great in their parts. I loved all the random dancers and drummers in the streets. It was a big old fashioned epic number. This was a good song to end the season on. A

And that’s a wrap on the Glee recaps for season five! I’ll see you all in eight months!

Bec Heim
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