Hello my lovely Gleeks!
Everyone feeling rested from the hiatus? You feeling bright eyed and bushy tailed to see Glee at its new time and day?
Well time to gird your loins if you’re not ready because Glee is back, bitches!
After an understandably shaky start to season five, the next over a month of episodes (like seriously we’re good until April for new episodes) sound like they’re on stable ground. At least from what I’ve heard.
But we’ll judge those at a later date. Tonight Glee returns picking open old wounds for Santana and Rachel, a valedictorian battle to the death for Artie and Tina, and, my favorite part, Kurt and Elliott riding stripper poles.
Because obviously that’s exactly what you do with your frenemies: ride stripper poles. God, this show can be so weird sometimes and I can’t help but admire the weirdness in those moments.
Anyways get ready for it, Gleeks, ‘cause it’s a comin’ (booo bad joke), Glee-caps are here!
Find A New Path (Rain On My Parade Why Don’t You?): Santana is feeling a bit down on herself because she’s known for a Yeast Infection commercial. Meanwhile, Rachel is riding on Cloud 9 because she’s Fanny Brice and all of her career dreams are coming true at age nineteen. Santana is happy that Rachel is living her dream and apologizes for leading the Rachel Berry Hate in high school. Rachel assures her that it’s all water under the bridge. She decides to invite Santana to a magazine shoot in order for her to feel a bit pampered. Of course, Rachel is also stressing out because she needs an understudy because all actresses need an understudy. Even if she doesn’t grasp that. So she and Carlisle Cullen audition people, who apparently all suck despite New York City having hundreds if not thousands of talented and willing actresses. Anyway, Santana surprises Rachel with an audition because rather astutely she preferred to ask for forgiveness then beg for permission. Also, she was scared that Rachel would try to sabotage her. Anyway Rachel is pissed that Santana would dare audition for her understudy. This leads to several ugly fights between the two. Rachel saying that Santana is jealous of her success and being on top for once. While Santana says that Rachel’s ambition is born out of her needing to prove herself to all the people who have ever said a bad thing about her and that Rachel loves seeing Santana on the bottom. Carlisle Cullen, ex-sparkly vampire, brings in a dose of the real world by telling them both that they need to suck it up because their story (coming from the same high school and glee club) is going to draw a crowd and bring good press. Rachel, however, continues to force the issue. She and Santana say that one of them is going to have to move out. Kurt, being the only one who has a dose of sensibility, points out that Rachel is having success but they should be happy that Santana has her own success. Rachel says that they aren’t her friends because they won’t support her living her dream, which happens to no one ever. So Rachel decides to move out.
Whenever I Call You Friend (Except In Competition): Tina and Artie, for those you who forgot, are also besties. Artie is excited to go to film school in Brooklyn. Tina, however, is feeling down because she was wait-listed for Brown (hey that rhymed!). So she needs to figure out a way to boost her cred so she can get in. She sees an opportunity when Sue announces that Artie and Tina are tied for class valedictorian. Instead of having co-valedictorians, Sue decides to make them compete with a speech off. Tina tries to make Artie throw it to bump up her resume. She then starts in on her “I have nothing and everyone has everything” speech. Artie, becoming the voice of the People, tells Tina that she has been a huge bitch and no one really likes her because of it. Tina tells him that Kitty doesn’t love him. When Mister Schue needs another soloist for Nationals, Artie and Tina battle it out. Things get intense and Tina accidentally pushes Artie out of his chair. She apologizes after. So at the speech, she and Artie throw themselves under the bus for the other to be valedictorian. Sue, however, had to induce vomiting and names them co-salutatorians. For some reason, she names valedictorian even though he’s the third rank student of the senior class. Blaine, feeling bad for it, decides to use a song instead of speech and has Artie and Tina, who he feels are the rightful valedictorians; sing it with him.
Enemies Closer (But I Believe In Love): Kurt is feeling a bit insecure because he thinks Elliott is trying to take over his band. Namely, he’s reading a lot into little things that Elliott has done or said. So when he brings this up to Blaine, Kurt is told to stick by the old adage: “Keep your friends close and enemies closer.” With Rachel off at rehearsal, Santana auditioning, and Dani forgotten about; Kurt decides to have a boy’s day with Elliott. The two of them hit up a guitar shop when Kurt says that he would like to learn how to play. Later on, Elliott tells Kurt that it’s nice to spend time with someone who doesn’t want to hook up or is a jackass. He also tells Kurt that he is not his enemy. He wants the band to succeed and thinks that they are all amazing people. So Kurt and Elliott decide to become friends instead of backstabbing, fake nice frenemies. They seal with a picture where Elliott kisses Kurt’s cheek. Of course Becky sees this and brings this to Blaine’s attention, who doesn’t seem too concerned over it.
Bec’s Nearly Immediate Reactions
Oh Santana, the danger of being known for a commercial. I don’t think people would send their toast back. Right logic and Glee. I need to stop mixing them.
Wow. Why does no one here apply to more than one school? Also hi, nice Tina. I miss you when your evil twin takes over your body.
I just love how these music numbers start randomly in the middle of the hallway.
Tina Warrior Princess is almost nice for Sue.
THANK YOU ARTIE FOR BRINGING THAT UP! Since season four, I have been saying this.
Yeah. I can see Rachel’s diva showing.
Sing-offs end in pain, Mister Schue. Yeah. This is going to end in tears.
See? Tears! These always end in tears!
Dani is where? Also Kurt you are totally obviously fishing for information. You are just lavishing the poor guy a little too thick the fake nice.
They obviously don’t let any schmuk try out for understudy.
How can Naya walk in those heels? AND DAMN MY HAIR BLEW BACK!
Rachel looks like she wants to kill her.
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!! THIS IS HEAVEN! THIS IS NIRVANA! CHRIS COLFER AND ADAM LAMBERT ROCKING OUT IS AMAZING! YOU SWING THAT POLE CHRIS! WAS THAT GENE SIMMONS TONGUE ADAM?! YES IT WAS! CHRIS IS UPSIDE DOWN ON A POLE!
Wow. Early season hate is fueling this. This is how I always saw the Troubletones-New Direction thing going in season three.
I knew that slap was coming and it was still intense. She was either going to slap her or kiss her.
No. I thought that you and Santana were friends, Kurt. I called this Santana-Rachel thing happening though. Also you and Elliott can just do the band, Kurt. You honestly don’t need them.
You can tell they hate each other now because she calls her “Berry.”
BIESTE!!! LOVE YOU! Awww. They both are throwing themselves under the bus. Oh my God, these are…so ass-kissing.
HA! Carlisle Cullen is such a real director. He doesn’t give a shit so long as the show is known.
Well this song took on a deeper and more uncomfortable meaning. The direction here is gorgeous though. I love the whole switching of Santana and Rachel.
I love you Elliott. You just speak plainly. Awww. You two are cute friends.
Of course you would make Blaine, valedictorian. Even though he’s the third rank student because hey that makes sense.
You better not get mad about this, Blaine. Remember you cheated with sex. A kiss on the cheek is a kiss on the cheek.
Kurt is being a reasonable person, Rachel and Santana. It’s not a betrayal. Holy crap this is just…really selfish. No one is poisoning it. If Santana got a part in another show would you really be this angry?
Also, can she really afford her own apartment? I am feeling zero sympathy here. The only person I feel bad for is Kurt. Yeah, that was needlessly dramatic ripping up the picture. Oh look, there goes my goodwill for Rachel.
“Whenever I Call You Friend” sung by Tina Cohen-Chang and Artie Abrams: Eh. I know this is the 600th number for the show. It’s a big deal. I just didn’t really feel anything with it. Jenna and Kevin sound nice together. It’s a pretty song. It was just wholly unforgettable. Still it sounded nice. B
“Brave” sung by Rachel Berry and Santana Lopez: WOW! Naya and Lea sound amazing together! Holy shit. I also liked the pretty synchronized movement of the dancers. It was shot gorgeously. The choreography was clean and smooth. Naya and Lea just have such an amazing blend of voices when they get duets. It’s fantastic. Also the costumes here were so pretty! I loved it. A+
“My Lovin’ (Never Gonna Get It)” sung by Tina Cohen-Chang and Artie Abrams: This one ended in tears because it’s a sing-off in New Directions. Still, this was so much better. Kevin has always had a voice for R&B. Jenna surprised me here. She sounded lovely. I love the back-up vocals from the rest of the club. Hey! Matthew Morrison gets to say a line, which amuses me. It was great. I wish it could have gone the whole way. A-
“Don’t Rain On My Parade” sung by Santana Lopez: This took a couple listens for me to like it. It’s one of those performances that needed to be seen before the song on its own. I don’t agree with some of the instrumentation choices. Naya Rivera, however, OWNED IT! She was charismatic and flawless and confident. It was amazing to watch. The second half of the song though triumphs over the front half when she has those amazing long notes. A-
“I Believe In A Thing Called Love” sung by Elliott Gilbert and Kurt Hummel: Perfection. This is perfection. Adam Lambert and Chris Colfer singing this song is glorious. It’s nirvana, heaven, and a spiritual experience. I have never felt so much singular joy from a song on the show since “Boogie Shoes” in season three. This made me happy so happy. Then there’s Chris Colfer on stripper pole and Adam Lambert upside down. PERFECTION! A+++++++++++++++++++
“Every Breath You Take” sung by Rachel Berry and Santana Lopez: Again Naya and Lea sound great together. The song, however, takes on a kind of creepy “I will slit your throat while you sleep” vibe when you have two enemies singing it. Especially when they seem to utterly hate each other. I love how this was shot though with Rachel and Santana interchanging places. It’s pretty but…uncomfortably pretty. B+
“Breakaway” sung by Tina Cohen-Chang, Artie Abrams, and Blaine Anderson: I think the song intercut with Rachel packing her bags to leave is kind of a bit much. Mainly because I think Rachel is blowing this out of proportion. Um. It sounds good though. Kevin, Jenna, and Darren sound nice together. I just don’t like how it was shot. B
Well my goodwill for Rachel has kind of run out. I feel bad for Kurt most of all though. He is the only sane man in New York right now along with Elliott. Poor guys.
Join us next week for Nationals prep, baby making, and Rachel moving in with Elliot because her friends “kicked her out.” This is despite the fact that Rachel willingly left.
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